Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tonight has been my page, my chapter, my renewal, my reinvention. It only fits that the second I lay down to finally sleep that I'm awaken by the sunrise. I never see the sunrise, but when I do, it gives me such a rush or wave of newness.
Everyone was right. They've all been where I am in life and it does get better. Just like everyone sees the night but few people make it whole into the new day, able to watch proudly as the sun rises in their life once more.
Last night, a single event occurred that caused a chain reaction of, well, actions: I attempted to save what was left of a dying, estranged and pitter piece of my past. Set things straight and get some closure. But when his new girlfriend called (the one he'd been screwing behind my back in our end days) and she told me to buggar off and stop trying to contact him. I knew then that I would have to pick up the last few pieces and find a way to move on. I guess it makes it easier when they don't belong to you anymore and somebody else has already been filling your empty space, but it makes things far more difficult when you feel like they still own a bit of your soul.
So I cried what are hopefully the last tears I will ever shed for him.
Then I called my best friend and simply listened after my initial outburst of emotion. I really only heard half of what she said because too much was already sinking in to my skin, trying to reach the more stable grounds of my bones.
After that I went back inside and called my parents in Hawaii. I cried again but this time for the empty space in my heart I needed to fill with their love and understanding of my pain. I found the courage to tell them about my tattoo finally. They only wished I had waited for my future husband to approve of one.
I'll never be like that though.
When I hung up, it was already around midnight and I baked brownies, 3 dozen cookies, and 2 scone loafs. It was the best therapy. Better even than bubble wrap.
I watched Factory Girl and fell into icon infatuation with Edie Sedgwick. It gave me the courage to finally face that pile of memories he had shoved back into my face. But even though he has hurt me more than I ever thought another human being could hurt me, I will never betray the things he told me in confidence or cheapen the moments we shared... Only a complete monster would do that I think.
After that, I moved in the vintage vanity he had bought me. It was making me anxious just sitting there, but almost immediately my cat took up residence in it. So now it isn't just a fragment or my memories or disjointed bit of my past glaring back at me from the side of the room. It belongs now. It has a purpose.
I have a purpose too. To live and laugh and love again and be the person I'm meant to be.
I guess I'll be the sun now.. Rising higher and higher until I can't even remember what the night was like.