Friday, May 22, 2009

Older, Not Wiser

I feel so old.. It's as if, for some unknown reason, life has decided to age me more rapidly than my peers. I'm in a constant state of adaptation. If God can see my heart and understand it better than I can myself, then I'd like him to explain to me how I fit into my own life. Because at this point, I can't see farther than my next stumble. If only I knew whether God has some end goal for all my sins and struggles or if He's merely standing back, watching with disappointed eyes as I make another bad decision or regret another action.
Maybe I've got it all wrong because my life right now feels a lot like I'm walking down a silent street thick with fog. Every direction I stumble towards leads only to a trap.. Another sin to become entangled in.. Another habit to pick up..
In that case maybe He's trying to teach me to trust in him.. Seek out his still, small voice to guide me.. And to have patience that the fog will eventually clear and I'll be able to see the beauty of the world and life all around me once more.
I've found that this is probably one of the most difficult lessons to learn. In my life especially. So it's not going to be easy.. Or fun (to be frankly honest). But I'll never be able to become the person I'm meant to be unless I sacrifice simple pleasures and stop my ill-fated attempts to take the reigns. I would definitely say I've got my work cut out for me.
Prayers are much appreciated.

Peace out..

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