Sunday, May 31, 2009

The Poet

What was thought to be love
Proved only in lust
That no words can bring hope
No kiss will bring trust
Saturated in prejudice
Wringing peace within war
It goes to show you can't fight
What had always been lore
So delete me from your memory
Destroy all hopes and dreams
Because I only love those
Who befriend demons and thieves
I'm not worth the effort
And even if I am
I corrupt the whitest of feathers, 
Destroy the most innocent lamb
I break the faint of heart
Revolt in the crumbling dust
And want nothing more than a world
That makes living worthwhile and just
And when your eyes are tired
From tears tainted with pain
Remember all the good we had
And begin to cry again
I won't waste breath nor time
To write a redeeming apology
The true damage will do us in
Simply with memory
Go live 
And find completion
Trust those
Who are masters in deception. 

- Alex Frontera

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Artist

These, are my arms. haha i love the blood.
Trav and I actually made a layer cake (i made it) and he painted most if it (with food coloring) to look like this painting because i was so taken with the blue and white.

This one above is his latest work of art. Its amazing. It just draws you in..

A new take on Medusa. LOVE IT. this is actually my iPod Touch wallpaper.

And here's some earlier work of his. I love the color scheme and the fact that its very original.

Hanging out with Travis makes me feel better about all my problems. I'm not exactly sure why. Maybe because I'm part of his problems and I'm not in the middle of something for once, haha..
But tonight is relaxing.. smokes a cig and had a drink. Then, I modeled for his latest painting. Very cool.. Very 60's "Edie Sedgwick" I thought. 

Here's Travis:

My Reinvention

Tonight has been my page, my chapter, my renewal, my reinvention. It only fits that the second I lay down to finally sleep that I'm awaken by the sunrise. I never see the sunrise, but when I do, it gives me such a rush or wave of newness.
Everyone was right. They've all been where I am in life and it does get better. Just like everyone sees the night but few people make it whole into the new day, able to watch proudly as the sun rises in their life once more.
Last night, a single event occurred that caused a chain reaction of, well, actions: I attempted to save what was left of a dying, estranged and pitter piece of my past. Set things straight and get some closure. But when his new girlfriend called (the one he'd been screwing behind my back in our end days) and she told me to buggar off and stop trying to contact him. I knew then that I would have to pick up the last few pieces and find a way to move on. I guess it makes it easier when they don't belong to you anymore and somebody else has already been filling your empty space, but it makes things far more difficult when you feel like they still own a bit of your soul.
So I cried what are hopefully the last tears I will ever shed for him.
Then I called my best friend and simply listened after my initial outburst of emotion. I really only heard half of what she said because too much was already sinking in to my skin, trying to reach the more stable grounds of my bones.
After that I went back inside and called my parents in Hawaii. I cried again but this time for the empty space in my heart I needed to fill with their love and understanding of my pain. I found the courage to tell them about my tattoo finally. They only wished I had waited for my future husband to approve of one.
I'll never be like that though.
When I hung up, it was already around midnight and I baked brownies, 3 dozen cookies, and 2 scone loafs. It was the best therapy. Better even than bubble wrap.
I watched Factory Girl and fell into icon infatuation with Edie Sedgwick. It gave me the courage to finally face that pile of memories he had shoved back into my face. But even though he has hurt me more than I ever thought another human being could hurt me, I will never betray the things he told me in confidence or cheapen the moments we shared... Only a complete monster would do that I think.
After that, I moved in the vintage vanity he had bought me. It was making me anxious just sitting there, but almost immediately my cat took up residence in it. So now it isn't just a fragment or my memories or disjointed bit of my past glaring back at me from the side of the room. It belongs now. It has a purpose.
I have a purpose too. To live and laugh and love again and be the person I'm meant to be.

I guess I'll be the sun now.. Rising higher and higher until I can't even remember what the night was like.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Coffee Shop Reflection

You used to drink gourmet at The Coffee Shop
Now you just get Starbucks because it's cheap & easy.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Older, Not Wiser

I feel so old.. It's as if, for some unknown reason, life has decided to age me more rapidly than my peers. I'm in a constant state of adaptation. If God can see my heart and understand it better than I can myself, then I'd like him to explain to me how I fit into my own life. Because at this point, I can't see farther than my next stumble. If only I knew whether God has some end goal for all my sins and struggles or if He's merely standing back, watching with disappointed eyes as I make another bad decision or regret another action.
Maybe I've got it all wrong because my life right now feels a lot like I'm walking down a silent street thick with fog. Every direction I stumble towards leads only to a trap.. Another sin to become entangled in.. Another habit to pick up..
In that case maybe He's trying to teach me to trust in him.. Seek out his still, small voice to guide me.. And to have patience that the fog will eventually clear and I'll be able to see the beauty of the world and life all around me once more.
I've found that this is probably one of the most difficult lessons to learn. In my life especially. So it's not going to be easy.. Or fun (to be frankly honest). But I'll never be able to become the person I'm meant to be unless I sacrifice simple pleasures and stop my ill-fated attempts to take the reigns. I would definitely say I've got my work cut out for me.
Prayers are much appreciated.

Peace out..

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Countdown

Ten fingers shaking 

Nine days not eating 

Eight nights awake 

Seven tries to reach you 

Six shoulders cried upon 

Five voicemails left for you 

Four days spent in bed 

Three nights till I see you 

Two polaroids torn down 

And one heart thats breaking. 


Sunday, May 10, 2009

I Love Emery.

You careless and whispered, insulting and bruising
And I thought that you said things were improving
These laces are untied but my feet are still walking away

I've broken ties with the neighborhood
I'm feeling like a bum in the city
Waking only to take a drink
From an empty glass of nothing good
Then sinking like a stone in the sea
Without the oxygen I need

While you're an addict to the need
To find yourself a way to breathe
The sex, the purge, the vein, the look
To replace feelings that we took

Giving up the fight with arms that bruise
Delicately shading these grays and blues
I could never stop bleeding for you
Endless dedication, my gift to you

That I have introduced to everyone around me
Saying that I'm the cause of all their crime
And when they're drunk, I poured the wine

You could be the one to stay
Made from birth for just this day
But something tells me its not right
That we could lose it all tonight

Why should I take all the blame for my mistakes?
You were there with every promise made to break
When did you become the one without regret?
Kill me, burn me down, I swear I won't forget

In my memory I wrote you down in ink
I never wanted to erase your story
Even with the tragedy it brings

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


For the politically correct!
Turkey-saurus Rex EN FUEGO! hahaha
good 'ol grils..
There are so many GREAT things about this cake... personally I like the purple mesh shirt Ken is wearing. Very sexy. This people, is where gender confusion starts in a child's life. lol
I'm assuming it was supposed to read "Happy Birthday you old bastard". Just... uh.. just a guess.
Nothing says "hey you're having a baby!" like THIS baby shower cake...
Its Shrek! Can't you see the resemblance!?
Its an analog clock! Its an old fashioned telephone! Its.... an awesomely bad cake!! :D
Poor Lisa....
(just in case you didn't know what this was, its a giraffe. see?)
Makes you wonder what mom has in store for her 13th birthday...
vomit cake. lovin the neck lump, by the way.
The girl said she liked that cake in the photo.. well.. she got what she wanted.

This is Santa. AFTER the cookies. AFTER the liposuction. BEFORE the plastic surgery.

For if Aunt Ruth is jewish and cousin Tom is christian.
YEA!!! OH YEAA!!! HIPPY BARTH DAY OMAR!!! hippy barth day... we know its a girly cake but we added pecans. you like pecans.  0__O
Yay! now we'll ate the cake! :D
Phrase shortening gone wrong...
When bakers get hooked on Phonics.
mmm... yup.
"insert sexual remark here"
Frankenstein Day? Valentines Day? Wha? huh?
yeeeaaa.... idk.

London Photos etc.

Someday I shall live in London. If even for just a year.. Its always been my dream, so someday it will come true. Its just so amazing the amount of history per square foot. They have street signs that are older than the U.S. itself. I personally find that amazing. History is beautiful to me! I think I'm in love with everything about that whole island.